No, you do not. For permanent changes, a parenting plan can be created or modified with a writing that is signed by both parents. It is now an enforceable contract.

For non-permanent changes, you do not have to do anything, but it can become enforceable if you do it often enough.

For example, if your co-parent picks up your child Saturday for an extra 4 hours:

• If this is once in a while, there is no impact on the written parenting plan.

• If this becomes every weekend, or several weekends over a short time, the other parent may be able to assert an enforceable verbal change to the parenting plan.

However, it is important to note that a parenting plan is distinct from court-ordered custody. 

You know all those illustrations I have in my mediation and coaching sessions where there is a bold outline of, say, two hands holding a baby, but then the outline is filled will all sorts of whirls? This is my best description of the difference between legal custody and a parenting parenting plan.

I like to think of this as the court providing the bold outline - creating the boundaries of what is possible. While the parenting plan provides the details. 

There are two types of custody

1. Legal - who gets to make decisions and has to sign documentation for the child; and

2. Physical - who does the child live with and how much time do they get with each parent?

Once the court makes these decisions, the parenting plan records the decisions on things like:

1. What is the normal weekly schedule look like;

2. How will you handle holidays and special days;

3. How will the parents communicate and make decisions together;

4. How will the parents keep in touch with their children when the child is at the other parent's house;

5. How will you make decisions about school, medical, or other important matters; 

6. Any other thing that is important to consider for your particular child.

Things that the parenting plan cannot establish [when you have custody orders]:

1. Granting overnight visits or removing supervised visitation against court orders;

2. Expanding or limiting parenting visitation rights;

3. Anything that would violate existing restraining orders.

Yes! If you go to a court with a parenting plan and present it together, the judge will review it and likely put into his/her final orders.

The Short Answer

Yes. A signed mediated agreement is a legally binding contract. Depending on your needs, there are two primary ways to handle the document once it is signed:

• The "Private" Path: You can have the agreement notarized and kept for your records. This remains a valid contract that can be enforced through a breach-of-contract lawsuit if necessary.

• The "Judicial" Path: You can submit the agreement to a judge to be entered as a Court Order. This makes the terms immediately enforceable by the power of the court (such as contempt of court charges for non-compliance).

The "Retirement" Analogy

Choosing between these paths is like deciding how to tax your retirement savings:

• Pay Taxes Now (Court Order): You invest the time and legal fees upfront to get the court’s stamp of approval. This makes the agreement much less burdensome to enforce later if someone breaks the rules.

• Defer Taxes (Private Contract): You save the effort and cost of court filings now because you may never actually need to enforce it. However, if a dispute arises later, the "tax" (the legal hurdle) will be higher to get the matter resolved.

A Proactive Step: The Re-Mediation Clause

I highly recommend including a re-mediation clause. This requires both parties to return to the mediation table before heading to court over a disagreement. It serves as a powerful reminder that you have successfully worked together before and should try to do so again before letting an outside party take control of your lives.

If your co-parent is not following the parenting plan, you can take them back to Family Law Court to modify the plan. It is important that you have language in your original plan that states that continual non-compliance with the parenting plan can be cause for creating a new custody agreement.

Even without this language, there is a good chance that their custody rights will be negatively affected, but with it:

1. They are on notice that bad behavior will have consequences; and

2. You have an even stronger case in Family Law Court

As a publicly funded mediator myself, I see firsthand how much the courts value this process. However, there are significant differences between "court-ordered" and "private" mediation that can change the outcome for your family.

1. Scope: You Set the Agenda

In court-connected mediation, the scope is often restricted. The mediator may only be allowed to discuss a narrow slice of your case—such as the parenting plan—while ignoring finances or property.

• The Private Advantage: We can put everything on the table. You decide what we discuss, ensuring that no piece of your life is left in a legal "limbo."

2. True Voluntariness

Mediation works best when both parties choose to be there. When you are court-ordered to attend, it can start the process on the wrong foot.

• The "Recommending" Risk: In some jurisdictions, if you don't reach an agreement, the court-appointed mediator makes a recommendation to the judge. This can make the process feel less like a safe negotiation and more like a high-stakes interview.

• The Private Advantage: Private mediation is 100% voluntary and confidential. There are no recommendations to the judge, which creates a safer space for honest conversation.

3. Time and Pacing

Court mediations are often strictly timed—sometimes as little as one hour for small claims or eight hours for a life-altering custody plan. If you don't finish in that window, you go back to the judge and lose control over the outcome.

• The Private Advantage: We work at the speed of your family.

  • Avoiding "Overwhelm": If eight hours straight sounds exhausting, we can break it into smaller sessions so no one "gives in" just because they are tired.

  • The "Test Drive": Want to try a schedule for two weeks before signing? In private mediation, we can pause, test a solution, and refine it in the next session.

4. Setting the Tone

Court mediation often happens after months of litigation, where both sides have already spent time undermining each other in legal filings. It’s hard to switch from "win/lose" to "win/win" in a single afternoon.

• The Private Advantage: By choosing mediation from the outset, you are making a proactive choice to protect your family’s peace. It sets a collaborative tone from day one, rather than trying to "fix" the damage after a court battle has already begun.

Here is a table for you to compare:

Why I do both

I work in the public system because I believe everyone deserves access to mediation. I offer private mediation because I believe families deserve the time, flexibility, and control that the court's schedule simply cannot provide.

The Short Answer: As early as possible.

Ideally, you should begin mediation the moment you realize a conflict is too big to handle alone, but before you’ve committed to a "battle" mindset.

Why Early Intervention Matters

Many people wait until they are in a legal crisis to seek help, but mediation is actually a powerful planning tool.

• Before the Courtroom: If you are in a family dispute but haven't filed any paperwork, this is the perfect time. Mediation allows you to build a roadmap for the future without the pressure of a judge's deadline.

• Even if you expect to litigate: Even if you think your case might eventually need a judge’s input, starting with mediation allows you to make your own decisions on the "low-hanging fruit" first. This narrows the focus of your litigation and saves you money.

The "Cost" of Waiting

The longer you stay in a state of resistance and conflict, the more your relationship degrades. Waiting doesn't just make the legal side harder; it makes the human side harder:

• Relationship Decay: Hardened resentment makes it much more difficult to sit across from one another and collaborate.

• Repair vs. Resolve: When you wait too long, we have to spend the first several sessions repairing the relationship before we can even begin the decision-making process.

The bottom line: Choosing mediation early is an investment in your future peace. It prevents the "win/lose" cycle from taking root and keeps the power in your hands.

It is never too late to mediate.

Even if you are in the middle of active litigation, you can hit the "pause" button to try mediation. In fact, most successful mediations happen while parties are represented by counsel.

If you want to move toward mediation, the first step is to discuss it with your attorney and have them coordinate with the other party’s counsel.

4 Reasons to Involve Your Attorneys in Mediation

Having legal counsel involved doesn't make mediation more difficult; it actually makes the final agreement stronger. Here is how your attorneys help the process:

1. Legal Reality Checks: Your attorney ensures you aren't unknowingly waiving your rights and helps verify that all necessary financial and legal information is transparently "on the table."

2. Professional Encouragement: Mediation is hard work, and it can be tempting to walk away when things get tough. An attorney who supports the process can encourage you to stay the course so you don't waste the time and money you’ve already invested.

3. Drafting for the Court: Every judge and courtroom has specific preferences. Your lawyers are your local experts; they know exactly how to word your agreement so it is accepted and incorporated into the final court orders without a hitch.

4. Handling "Stipulations": If you reach an agreement on 90% of your issues but get stuck on the last 10%, your attorneys can present your "stipulations" (the agreed-upon parts) to the judge. This allows the judge to rule only on the remaining few items, saving you from a full-blown trial.

Pro-Tip: Mediation isn't about bypassing your lawyer; it’s about using your lawyer’s expertise to reach a settlement that you control, rather than leaving the final decision to a stranger in a black robe.

It is a common misconception that once an agreement is signed or ordered by a judge, it is "set in stone" forever. In reality, families grow, jobs change, and life happens. Mediation is the most efficient way to renegotiate parenting plans, guardianship, or separation agreements.

1. Diagnosis: Uncovering why it isn’t working

Before we can fix the plan, we have to understand why it’s failing. Often, it falls into one of two categories:

• Changed Circumstances: Kids grow up, work schedules shift, or a move has made the old commute impossible. The plan isn't "bad"; it’s just outdated.

• Communication Drift: The plan might still be solid, but misunderstandings and "resentment debt" have grown over time. We use mediation to clear the air and get back to the original intent of the agreement.

2. The "Test Drive": Trying out new provisions

One of the best parts of private mediation is the ability to experiment. We can set SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound) to get you back on track.

• Reality Testing: Sometimes we agree to things that look great on paper but fail in real life—like a 5:00 PM handoff that never happens because of Friday afternoon traffic.

• Flexibility: We can agree to try a new schedule for 30 days. If it works, we finalize it. If it doesn't, we meet again to tweak it until it fits your "everyday reality."

3. Skill Building: A "Masterclass" in Communication

Most of us weren't taught how to negotiate high-stakes emotions with a co-parent or sibling. Think of these mediation sessions as a practical workshop where you can:

• Practice new negotiation skills in a safe environment.

• Learn how to communicate your needs without triggering conflict.

• Build a "toolbox" that you can use at home so you eventually won't need a mediator at all.

Not really, this is the court's default in the absence of compelling information. Instead of looking at it as the ideal, consider it the cookie-cutter answer that the court would apply to every family. When determining what is the "ideal" for your family, consider what is best for you, and your children and, what is at least realistic for your co-parent. 

Some kids handle moving back and forth between houses easily, especially when you and your co-parent are in a good space and drop-off days are calm.

For other kids, having a "homebase", one house they spend most of their time at, with alternating weekends is a better solution. Remember you always have summer and other school holidays to spend more time with the other parent. This can also get complicated if one of the parents often travels for work. So it is important to think about what works for your schedule. Additionally, some parents agree to be the babysitter whenever the homebase parent needs more help. In legal language, this is called the "right of first refusal."

Remember it is about quality time, not just quantity. 

Some things you might want to consider are:

How simple or complicated are you willing to make the schedule?

• How well do you communicate with your co-parent?

• How reliable is your coparent?

• How will this impact your life? 

How old is the child?

o   For a very young child (0-3)

• Seeing both parents often is crucial for building a parent-child bond.

o   Once a child begins school

• Your child is old enough to start going for longer periods without seeing the other parent.

• Especially if the child is old enough to engage in meaningful, even if brief, phone or video calls in between visits.

o   When a child is old enough to travel on their own,

• It is even easier for them to go for longer periods with each parent and travel between parents.

How does your child handle change?

o   For the confident mature child, they will adapt to any schedule.

o   For the child that needs a lot of structure –

• You may either have to limit changes or create a strong routine for change days. 

Creating a routine for change days can be very helpful, for example:

o   Involve your child in the calendaring so that they can look for themselves when they are supposed to be with the each parent.

• A visual or tactile calendar works better than words, and

• For very young children who do not have the concept of a week, you may have to get creative with how you help them count the days until the change. 

o   Let them help you pack their bag, this gives them a sense of control over the situation and is kinesthetic way for them to process the change (for those who learn best through doing)

o   Make sure to pack something special that travels back and forth (a blankie, book or favorite toy)

o   Don’t forget to use your words to help them understand:

• First you are going to school, then (Daddy/Mommy) will pick you up. You will stay with them for 2 sleeps (count them on your fingers or show 3 fingers) and I will pick you up on the 3rd day.

Have all school calendars printed out and take the time to note

a. Days off

b. Modified Days

c. Special Days (back to school, open house, celebrations, dances, conferences, IEP Reviews)

Know all the dates for signing your children up for camps and have a list of camps available.

Most camps release their dates by March, you can prepare by:

• Having the dates ready for specific camps if they are already released;

• Plan to have a summer planning mediation in March or April; or

• Go off of last year’s session topics and dates and be prepared to move things around when the actual dates are listed

Know when your children’s next physicals and dental dates are scheduled

Think about what vacations:

a. You’d like to take

b. You expect that your co-parent will ask for

c. Your family is expecting you to take

Have the dates of any planned work trips or annual conferences

Think through holidays and special days

a. How has your family been celebrating these days

b. If you could preserve special celebrations for your children (with your family or your co-parent’s family) what would they be

c. What holidays are you willing to let go of

d. How could you create new holiday traditions

• Is it easier to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday with one family and Friday with the other family each year than having a rotating schedule?

• Or even celebrate on opposite weekends to allow both co-parents to travel to their families

• Can one co-parent have the whole Christmas Eve and Day celebration while the other parent celebrates Christmas over New Year’s (as some Slavic traditions do) 

What other information would you like your Co-parent to have at the mediation?

• Let the mediator know beforehand if you need them to communicate this information to your co-parent

Having a copy of my workbook “Your Co-Parenting Plan Blueprint” is a great way to work you way through this preparation.

If you need help, or your co-parent does, to separate out the rational decision-making from the emotions of ending a marriage, it may be a good idea to find a coach.

There are divorce coaches whose focus is on different parts of the process. Some of them can help you think more clearly about money, others can help you put together your negotiation strategy.

Mediation is designed to help you negotiate with the other party, but the mediator cannot advise you or you just may need to feel more ready. In that case, it is really helpful to have someone on your side, who knows that your preference is to work collaboratively.

If having a coach is something you are interested in, let me know and I can provide references.

 A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is a financial professional who helps couples and their attorneys navigate the financial aspects of divorce. CDFAs use their knowledge of tax law, asset distribution, and financial planning to help ensure assets are divided fairly.

For simple divorces, you can work with your mediator to divvy up the assets, however, if you have complex assets, using a CDFA is highly advised. 

Moreover, sometimes you need someone to give you the hard facts, make sure you understand the data and provide viable proposals to help you in the mediation process. Bringing this information into your mediation can help ground you and provide direction for the negotiation. 

Sometimes you may want to start with a CDFA before attending a mediation. Other times, it is beneficial to consult with one in between sessions, bringing in their work to the next mediation. If this is something you are interested in, let me know and I can provide references.