Embarking on the journey of co-parenting involves more than just negotiating logistics; it's about creating a shared vision for your children. Before delving into the specifics of a parenting plan, take a step back to envision the future:

Defining Their Identity:

Who are your children as individuals? What makes them unique?

Hopes and Dreams:

What are your collective hopes and dreams for your children's future?

Daily Routines and Activities:

Outline their daily schedule and consider the significance of extracurricular activities.

Values and Beliefs:

Reflect on your individual values and how they shape your parenting approach.

Seeking Guidance:

When faced with uncertainty, where do you turn for ideas and answers?

Holiday Traditions:

What holds significance for you regarding holidays? How can these be woven into your co-parenting plan?

Family Trips:

Identify the family trips that hold importance and contribute to shared memories.

Once you've done the groundwork to craft this new vision, it becomes your guiding light in the co-parenting journey helping you to navigate uncertainty and provide guidance during times of conflict. 

Navigating co-parenting after a breakup can be a challenging journey, especially when communication becomes strained. If face-to-face or phone conversations with your co-parent flow smoothly, then you might not feel the need to explore alternative methods. However, if your interactions are primarily through text and tensions are running high, investing in co-parenting apps might be a game-changer during the transitional phase of moving from partners to co-parents.

These apps serve as a centralized hub for managing crucial aspects of your child's life and your co-parenting relationship. Here's why they're worth considering:

• Streamlined Organization:

  • Electronic calendars help designate parental responsibilities for various events.

  • Dedicated phone and video calling services facilitate communication between your child and both parents, regardless of phone ownership.

  • Easy money transfers streamline financial exchanges between parties.

• Comprehensive Information Hub:

  • Store essential details such as insurance information, doctor's contacts, and school-related data in one accessible location.

• Journaling Features:

  • Maintain a digital journal for shared photos, records, and report cards.

  • Never worry about whether you've shared crucial information – these apps provide a clear record of shared data, including whether the other party accessed it and, in some cases, accepted responsibility.

By leveraging co-parenting apps, you can minimize misunderstandings, keep track of vital details, and foster a smoother transition from former partners to effective co-parents. These tools offer a practical solution to the complexities of co-parenting in the digital age, ensuring that important information is readily available and communication remains transparent.

In the realm of co-parenting, having separate calendars with mutual invitations can bring down conflict and create smoother communication. When each co-parent has their own calendar and invites the other to accept appointments, it not only streamlines scheduling but also creates a clear record of shared responsibilities.

Addressing common resentments in co-parenting, such as feeling burdened with all the scheduling responsibilities or frustration about missed communication, an electronic calendar proves to be a practical solution. Here's how:

• Shared Scheduling Responsibility:

  • Both co-parents can actively schedule events, eliminating the frustration of one party bearing the entire scheduling burden.

• Transparent Parenting Contributions:

  • All child-related items, even unexpected events, are recorded on the calendar, providing a visible representation of each party's parenting involvement.

• Effortless Communication:

  • The only communication needed is sending and accepting invitations. This minimizes the potential for conflicts, as scheduling becomes a straightforward process.

• Read Receipts and Reminders:

  • Once an invitation is accepted, you have the assurance that the other party has read it.

  • Set reminders to ensure timely departures, eliminating the excuse of forgetfulness.

By leveraging shared electronic calendars, co-parents can overcome common challenges, fostering a more cooperative and efficient co-parenting experience. It's a simple yet powerful tool that not only eases scheduling woes but also promotes transparency and accountability in shared parenting responsibilities.

Consider having a dedicated notebook for the mediation process. This invaluable tool allows you to organize your thoughts beforehand, take notes during sessions, and reflect on the overall process.

If you find yourself struggling to resist jumping into the conversation or being so focused on your viewpoint that you miss others' perspectives, taking notes can be a game-changer. By jotting down key points, you slow down your thought process and actively engage with what others are saying. This helps ensure that you not only grasp their perspective but also respond thoughtfully, fostering a more productive and collaborative conversation.

Reflecting on Mediation: A Post-Session Guide for Self-Discovery

Congratulations, you've navigated through a mediation session – a commendable step toward resolution. Now, it's time to take a moment to reflect on the experience. Grab your notes and let's delve into some self-discovery exercises that can help you grow from the mediation process.

1. Unpacking Moments of Upset: Understanding Your Triggers

Review the moments during the mediation when you felt upset. Take note of what the other person was saying, and ask yourself whether it was the words or the tone that triggered your emotional response. Delve deeper by exploring where in your body you felt these emotions – was it in your lungs, stomach, head, or shoulders?

As you peruse your notes, pay attention to any signs of stress in your body. What does it feel like, and how can you soften it? Take a moment to place a tender and loving hand on the area, telling yourself, "I am sorry that this is so hard for you." Consider asking yourself, "What do you need, how can I help?" Notice if this gentle approach allows your body to relax and let go.

2. Communicating Your Needs: Insights for Future Mediations

Think about what you can share with the mediator or the other party regarding what would help you stay more present in future mediations. Effective communication is key to a successful resolution process, and expressing your needs ensures a more supportive and constructive environment.

Consider sharing insights such as:

• Specific triggers that cause emotional reactions.

• Suggestions for creating a more conducive atmosphere during the mediation.

• Strategies that help you remain focused and grounded.

• Exploring Mindful Self-Compassion: A Deeper Dive

If you find these reflection exercises helpful, you might want to explore the practice of Mindful Self-Compassion. You can look at offerings at the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion https://centerformsc.org/.  This approach involves acknowledging your suffering, offering compassion to yourself, and recognizing that others may share similar emotions and experiences. It's a powerful tool for cultivating resilience and a deeper understanding of your own emotions.

Recently, I attended an insightful talk led by family law experts, highlighting the importance of incorporating responsible gun ownership into parenting plans, especially within families where firearms are an integral part of the culture. 

Amidst a concerning rise in suicides among young people aged 10-14, it is an unfortunate fact that gun-related attempts are fatal 90% of the time. Additionally, it has been found that annually, 350 children are unintentionally shot by peers. It has become clear that it is crucial to prioritize safety measures.

The family law experts emphasized the need to address safe gun storage not just within the parents' homes but extending the conversation to any place where a child might spend significant time. This includes the residences of grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even close family friends. The key takeaway is that if gun ownership is significant to your family's culture, implementing a proactive plan for safe storage is essential.

If guns play a crucial role in your family's life, let me know, and let's set up a plan.

Visit Be SMART for Kids and EveryTown to learn more. 

             Recently I attended multiple speaking events with my fellow San Diego Elder Care Coalition members in one week and it struck me,

             They say it takes a village to raise a child,

             But it also takes a village to support a family helping their parents transition to accepting more help,

                             And

             It takes a village to support a family transitioning into one family unit to separate co-parenting households.

There are so many moving pieces in these events. Every member of the family needs support through this transition. 

There is this saying:

             Mediation is cheaper and faster than court

Many people take that to mean that mediation is cheap and fast, but it is not, it still costs money and time. 

The difference is that you are in control.

You are not waiting on a court date. Court dates are often scheduled six months or more down the road. Until your case is scheduled for a trial you may only get a few minutes in front of the judge to resolve one issue. And a case may take years before they are ready for trial. 

You are in control also of deciding who is on your team. A court may order certain specialists - forensic psychologists or financial advisors, therapists for your children, the list goes on. Not to mention that you each have an attorney who is focused on "winning" and digging up dirt on the other party, laying a terrible foundation for co-parenting in the future. 

When in mediation, you might need a team too, but it is your decision who is on it and what their role is. Maybe you need a divorce or co-parenting coach, maybe a specialized CPA, maybe a lawyer to draft end-of-life documents.  I highly recommend emotional support in whatever way feels right for you and your family.

When you are journaling, take a moment to think about a time when talking with your ex when you became really upset, or sad.

Take a moment and write out what happened in as much detail as you can.

Notice, how does your body feel?

Is there tightness, pressure, pain?

Where?

At what point did your body start reacting?

Add that into your writing.

Put your hand on that spot and ask yourself what you need in that moment:

Do you need love, grieving, to feel less ashamed?

Imagine your closest confidante (for me it's often my dog) what would they say to you and how would they say it?

Imagine you are giving what you need to someone you truly love (my daughter), 

How would you talk to them? 

Would you hug them, or put a hand on their shoulder? 

Would you give them a look full of sympathy and understanding (this is why my dog is my closest confidante, he excels at this)?

How do you feel now? 

Write about it.

What have you learned about your triggers and caring for yourself? 

What might you want to communicate to your ex or your mediator to help you stay in the moment?

Do you need time before you answer (minutes? days?)

Do you need notice before starting a hard conversation (hey can we schedule a time to talk tomorrow?)

Do you need your cat in your lap during hard conversations so that you can feel their warmth and stroke their soft fur to help you stay in the moment?   

I know this webpage is dedicated to co-parenting and parenting plans, but I do all sorts of family mediation including supporting families through elder care transitions.

That is why I am so proud to be a founding member of the San Diego Elder Care Coalition! Website coming soon.

Our team is a group of women entrepreneurs who specialize in helping our elders - from patient advocates to in-home care, private physical therapists to real estate professionals, and financial advisors to personal chefs.

The more I work with, and learn from, these ladies, the more I realize that it takes a village to care for our elders. I wish I had had them when I was supporting my grandparents through the last years of their lives. I feel stronger knowing that I have them as I daily support my, and my husband's parents now. 

Running a business means facing challenges, and conflict is no exception. But what kind of conflict resolution is right for your situation? There's more to it than a one-size-fits-all approach. Here's a breakdown of three common business conflicts and the best ways to address them:

1. Client Dissatisfaction:

• Symptoms: Upset customer withholding payment, threats of bad reviews.

• Solutions:

  • Conflict Coaching: Learn to effectively address concerns, communicate calmly, and reach solutions that satisfy both parties. This can be especially helpful when navigating disagreements about payment or ensuring the client feels heard.

  • Mediation: Facilitate a structured discussion to create a workable payment plan or resolve deeper issues and restore trust.

2. Employee Dissatisfaction:

• Symptoms: Tension between employees, low morale, decreased productivity.

• Solutions:

  • Mediation: A neutral third party guides employees towards a solution when emotions run high or a solution feels out of reach.

  • Conflict Coaching: Equip managers or individuals with skills to manage conflict constructively, improve communication, and foster a positive work environment.

  • Facilitation: Guide productive discussions, especially for larger teams, brainstorming solutions, and building consensus.

3. Growing Pains:

• Symptoms: Transitioning from a startup to a structured system, team disagreements on new processes.

• Solutions:

  • Facilitated Brainstorming Sessions: Generate creative solutions and navigate differing perspectives when establishing new procedures or strategies.

  • Mediation: Resolve specific disagreements that arise during growth phases.

  • Facilitated Employee Meetings: Guide productive discussions for teams to tackle challenges and reach agreements about new structures.

The Key to Success: A Skilled Professional

Understanding the different types of conflict and when to use each approach is crucial. An experienced and credible business mediator can assess your situation and recommend the most effective path forward. Don't just fix conflict – prevent it with the right tools and expertise!

Texting, Social Media Posts and Emails are great ways to keep in touch, but they often lead to conflict when your relationship is suffering. If the other party regularly engages is in "Blamespeak" inflaming the conversation, involving others in publicly shaming you, angrily going off-topic, consider learning how to write BIFF responses.   

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, offering a constructive way to communicate your perspective. Keep it concise, with 4-6 sentences conveying the essential facts in an inviting and non-accusatory manner.

For example:

"I appreciate your viewpoint on [issue]. It's important for us to find common ground. I hope we can work towards a resolution together. I need to hear back from you by [date]. If I don't receive a response by then, I will need to [take action]. Thank you for your understanding."

By employing the BIFF technique, you set a positive tone, emphasize key information, and establish clear expectations for moving forward. This approach fosters open communication and increases the likelihood of a successful mediation process.