Do I need to go to court to modify or create a parenting plan?

No, you do not. For permanent changes, a parenting plan can be created or modified with a writing that is signed by both parents. It is now an enforceable contract.

For non-permanent changes, you do not have to do anything, but it can become enforceable if you do it often enough.

For example, if your co-parent picks up your child Saturday for an extra 4 hours:

·         If this is once in a while, there is no impact on the written parenting plan.

·         If this becomes every weekend, or several weekends over a short time, the other parent may be able to assert an enforceable verbal change to the parenting plan.

However, it is important to note that a parenting plan is distinct from court-ordered custody. 

                        What is the difference between                              a parenting plan and a custody order?

I like to think of this as the court providing the boundaries, while the parenting plan provides the details. 

There are two types of custody

1. Legal - who gets to make decisions and has to sign documentation for the child; and

2. Physical - who does the child live with and how much time do they get with each parent?

Once the court makes these decisions, now you can craft a parenting plan to decide things like:

1. What is the normal weekly schedule look like;

2. How will you handle holidays and special days;

3. How will the parents communicate and make decisions together;

4. How will the parents keep in touch with their children when the child is at the other parent's house;

5. How will you make decisions about school, medical, or other important matters; 

6. Any other thing that is important to consider for your particular child.

Things that the parenting plan cannot establish [when you have custody orders]:

1. Granting overnight visits or removing supervised visitation against court orders;

2. Expanding or limiting parenting visitation rights;

3. Anything that would violate existing restraining orders.

What if my co-parent is not following the parenting plan?

If your co-parent is not following the parenting plan, you can take them back to Family Law Court to modify the plan. It is important that you have language in your original plan that states that continual non-compliance with the parenting plan can be cause for creating a new custody agreement.

Even without this language, there is a good chance that their custody rights will be negatively affected, but with it:

1.   They are on notice that bad behavior will have consequences; and

2.   You have an even stronger case in Family Law Court

                  Why should I hire a private mediator                           when the courts provide them for free?

Hey, I am a publically funded mediator and you may find as your court-appointed mediator. Publically funded mediation shows how much the courts value mediation. As a private mediation, this is how I make sure that my agreements are workable and enforceable for court. Many courts make this a mandatory step at some point in the case. There are a couple of reasons to consider going private though:

1. Scope - depending on the court, your mediator may only be able to address a very narrow slice of your divorce - often the parenting plan, but not finances. With a private mediator, the parties work together to determine what is on the table and what is not. 

2. Voluntariness - 

   • one of the central tenets of mediation is that it must be voluntary. Both parties must truly believe in it and engage in the hard work knowing that they are free to leave at any time. The courts get it right in that you can leave at any time and you will not be pushed into an agreement, but the very fact that you are court-ordered to attend mediation can start it off on the wrong foot.  

   • If you are in a recommending jurisdiction - where the court gives the mediator to make a recommendation to the court in the event that you do not reach your own decision - there is an even bigger question as to whether this is truly voluntary. 

3. Time 

   • For small claims cases I get up to an hour per case, for custody plans, I get eight hours. This means that if you can't resolve your issue in this time, you go back to the judge and you lose control over the outcome. Even more, you cannot even bring up where you left off in mediation - say you had agreement on some things, but need more time or help on the other. Nope, it is sealed. 

   • Do you get overwhelmed easily? Or does sitting in mediation for eight hours straight seem overwhelming? I do my best in court mediations to make sure that no one "gives in", or agrees to anything just because they are overwhelmed, however, for many reasons, you usually don't get come back if you don't reach a resolution in that time frame. In private mediation, we can agree on how long sessions to ensure that you get the most out of each session without hitting overwhelm.

   • Not sure what will be the best solution for an issue, want to try it out first? In private mediation - you can! This is another reason why I believe in meeting in sessions versus all at one go. Nothing is final and ready for signature until the final issue is decided. 

4. Timeliness and Tone-Setting

• When you start with mediation, you are starting with the mindset of collaboratively navigating through your challenges. It is a proactive approach towards transitioning from a state of brokenness towards separation. Choosing mediation from the outset reflects a mutual understanding to work towards a resolution that benefits the whole family.

• Redirecting from court proceedings, where it has been to your benefit to undermine your co-parent requires a mental shift from a win/lose mindset to looking at the best for the whole family. In such cases, the transition to a win/win mentality can take longer than the court-allotted time. It could also mean seeking guidance from a coach, which isn't typically included in the court process.

Isn't 50/50 the ideal custody arrangement?

Not really, this is the court's default in the absence of compelling information. Instead of looking at it as the ideal, consider it the cookie-cutter answer that the court would apply to every family. When determining what is the "ideal" for your family, consider what is best for you, and your children and, what is at least realistic for your co-parent. 

Some kids handle moving back and forth between houses easily, especially when you and your co-parent are in a good space and drop-off days are calm.

For other kids, having a "homebase", one house they spend most of their time at, with alternating weekends is a better solution. Remember you always have summer and other school holidays to spend more time with the other parent. This can also get complicated if one of the parents often travels for work. So it is important to think about what works for your schedule. Additionally, some parents agree to be the babysitter whenever the homebase parent needs more help. In legal language, this is called the "right of first refusal."

Remember it is about quality time, not just quantity.  

How do I create a developmentally appropriate schedule?

Some things you might want to consider are:

How simple or complicated are you willing to make the schedule?

o   How well do you communicate with your co-parent?

o   How reliable is your coparent?

o   How will this impact your life?

How old is the child?

o   For a very young child (0-3)

§  Seeing both parents often is crucial for building a parent-child bond.

o   Once a child begins school

§  Your child is old enough to start going for longer periods without seeing the other parent.

§  Especially if the child is old enough to engage in meaningful, even if brief, phone or video calls in between visits.

o   When a child is old enough to travel on their own,

§  It is even easier for them to go for longer periods with each parent and travel between parents.

How does your child handle change?

o   For the confident mature child, they will adapt to any schedule.

o   For the child that needs a lot of structure –

§  You may either have to limit changes or create a strong routine for change days. 

Creating a routine for change days can be very helpful, for example:

o   Involve your child in the calendaring so that they can look for themselves when they are supposed to be with the each parent.

§  A visual or tactile calendar works better than words, and

§  For very young children who do not have the concept of a week, you may have to get creative with how you help them count the days until the change.

o   Let them help you pack their bag, this gives them a sense of control over the situation and is kinesthetic way for them to process the change (for those who learn best through doing)

o   Make sure to pack something special that travels back and forth (a blankie, book or favorite toy)

o   Don’t forget to use your words to help them understand:

§  First you are going to school, then (Daddy/Mommy) will pick you up. You will stay with them for 2 sleeps (count them on your fingers or show 3 fingers) and I will pick you up on the 3rd day.

What information will help the parenting planning process go more quickly?

Have all school calendars printed out and take the time to note 

a. Days off

b. Modified Days

c. Special Days (back to school, open house, celebrations, dances, conferences, IEP Reviews)

Know all the dates for signing your children up for camps and have a list of camps available.

Most camps release their dates by March, you can prepare by:

• Having the dates ready for specific camps if they are already released;

• Plan to have a summer planning mediation in March or April; or

• Go off of last year’s session topics and dates and be prepared to move things around when the actual dates are listed

Know when your children’s next physicals and dental dates are scheduled

Think about what vacations:

a. You’d like to take

b. You expect that your co-parent will ask for

c. Your family is expecting you to take

Have the dates of any planned work trips or annual conferences

Think through holidays and special days

a. How has your family been celebrating these days

b. If you could preserve special celebrations for your children (with your family or your co-parent’s family) what would they be

c. What holidays are you willing to let go of

d. How could you create new holiday traditions

• Is it easier to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday with one family and Friday with the other family each year than having a rotating schedule?

  • • • Or even celebrate on opposite weekends to allow both co-parents to travel to their families

• Can one co-parent have the whole Christmas Eve and Day celebration while the other parent celebrates Christmas over New Year’s (as some Slavic traditions do) 

What other information would you like your Co-parent to have at the mediation?

• Let the mediator know beforehand if you need them to communicate this information to your co-parent